Three Hundred Pounds
posted in Being Fat |Did you ever think that you might one day weigh 300 pounds?
Yeah, me neither.
But there it is. 303.5 to be exact.
Infreakincredible.
Can that 303 really be referring to me? The guy who wrestled at 167 pounds in high school? I weigh almost twice as much as I did in my senior year, and yet I haven’t grown an inch. I’m still six feet 0, just like my senior year. The same guy who also ran cross-country in high school? Me, running? I try to picture that now, and I can’t. Well, actually, I can see jogging from my car to the Krispy Kreme store if it was getting near closing time. I’m not totally against exercise!
Yes, as hard as it is to believe when you look at these pictures, I did weigh 167 pounds in high school, and I really did run cross-country. I never actually won any races, but I certainly finished most of them.
But wait. It gets better.
If you want to hear something really good, guess what I wanted to be when I grew up. And DON’T say “unspeakably gargantuan.”
Not funny.
Nor did I hope to be a stand-in for the Michelin man, a walking, talking Hindenburg tribute, or the world’s best loved Shelley Winters impersonator.
No, you’ll never believe what I wanted to do when I grew up.
I wanted to move to Europe and race in the Tour de France.
Yep, that’s me. Lance Bellystrong. Can you picture me in those tight bicycle racing shorts? Tour de France? More like Tore da Pants.
Well, I never got to wear the yellow jersey. But I have been privileged to spend a lot of quality time at the golden arches.
As you can see. You want morbid obesity with that?
But that’s all about to change.
That’s right.
No More Mr. Fat Guy!
I’ve decided to make like Fitty Cent-I’m gonna get fit or die tryin’. I intend to lose at least 100 pounds, and I’m going to document my battle against the bulge right here on the internet for all the world to see. Words, pictures, eating habits, exercise done, ups, downs, milestones achieved, failures and setbacks. When I lose a pound or two, you’ll read about it. When I wake up at 2AM and drive into town because I’ve got an irresistible urge for a Krystal BA burger (or three), you’ll read about it. I figure that with the whole world watching, I’ll have a lot more incentive to see my plan through and stick with my goal. I need you guys to hold my feet to the fire (while simultaneously keeping me away from the flame broiler at Burger King).
I’m counting on you guys. I can’t do this alone, and frankly, my fat friends aren’t going to be much help. They’re already trying to talk me out of this. When I suggest a nice salad instead of two Double Quarter Pounders they yell, “Stop the insanity!”
And they never tire of pointing out the dangers of being skinny, or the unfortunate things that can happen to normal size people. They point out that Nicole Brown Simpson was skinny, and look what happened to her. If she’d been a porker, OJ would’ve never looked twice at her, and she’d still be alive today. I can’t argue with that. They tell me that if Michael Richards had been home making love to a gallon of Cold Stone Creamery ice cream, instead of ranting on stage, he’d still have a career. I can’t argue with that, either. And Carrot Top isn’t fat…and the less said about him, the better.
So I’m aware that being thin and healthy isn’t the answer to all of life’s problems.
But even knowing the risks, I’m going to go for it. And you’ll read all about it right here. I’ll report everything. No holds barred. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And hopefully I’ll make you laugh along the way.
Have you ever seen someone lose 100 pounds? Well, now’s your chance. And you can help me. The more people reading this, the more pressure there will be to get fit. You guys are going to be my accountability partner. My 12 step group. I want your comments-cheer me on, razz me, but let me know you’re watching.
It’s going to be quite a journey. I don’t know how it will turn out, but we’re going to have some fun along the way.
