The Unbearable Fatness Of Being
posted in Being Fat, Humor |300 pounds, that is. People tell me that I don’t look like I weigh 300 pounds. I guess it’s that my overpowering animal magnetism distracts and confuses them…but it’s true-in that pic below I’m at 296 pounds. And frankly, I’m sick of it. And I’m ready to do something about it.
If you’ve ever been fat, or you’re fat now, you know what I’m talking about. When you’re 120 pounds overweight you’re never comfortable. Walking, standing, sitting, lying down, reclining, it doesn’t matter. You’re never unaware of this massive extra weight that you’re lugging around. It’s always on your mind, and it affects everything you do. If you’re standing, you want to sit down to “take a load off”, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Then, once you’ve sat down, depending on how low the chair is, getting up can be so difficult that you’re sorry you ever sat down. I’ve got to change my ways before I wind up like the late stand up comedian Ollie Joe Prater-he was so fat that he reportedly brought an ottoman with him on his long road trips to comedy clubs across America. The purpose of the ottoman? Ollie Joe used it to hold his belly up anytime he was sitting down. Like many tremendously fat comedians, Ollie Joe had other issues, too.
But I digress.
It’s tough going up stairs. When I used to go to job interviews I prayed that, if I had to climb stairs, there would be a restroom I could duck into at the top of the stairs to catch my breath. There’s nothing that says “Hire me!” quite like a 300 lb man who smells of cigarette smoke gasping for air.
And I’ll never forget the time that my truck was in the shop due to a factory recall. While it was being worked on the dealer gave me a loaner-a Nissan Sentra. Getting into that thing was quite an ordeal, but it was nothing compared to trying to get out. I thought I was going to need the Jaws of Life.
But you wanna know the thing about being 120 pounds overweight that drives me the craziest?
Shoelaces.
It’s a real struggle to tie my shoes. If there’s an overweight person where you work that you don’t care for, and you want to torment them, don’t call them names or steal their cookies. Just reach over and untie their shoes. I can barely reach my shoelaces, but if I sit down and cross one leg over the other knee I can manage it. But there’s no way to to tie them properly like that. Instead of being centered, they hang way over to one side. Which means I’m always stepping on them. Which means they come untied, of course, and I have to tie them all over again. And then they get stretched out, which means they hang even more to the side, and I step on them even more. It got to where I was having to retie my shoes once every hour or so. So I finally gave up and as much as possible I now wear slipons or shoes with velcro closures. Which is a shame, because I really needed the exercise!
Yes, being way too fat is not only unhealthy, it’s also extremely uncomfortable. And I’m sick of it. We’ll see if I’m sick enough of it to stick with my 100 pound weight loss plan.
If you’re keeping score at home, I got 90 minutes of walking in today. Two sessions of 45 minutes apiece out, on the country roads near where I live. And no cigarettes.
Not a bad way to start the year!
175 pounds here I come!
