No More Mr. Fat Guy!

And that’s a promise.

I can’t believe how long I’ve been gone. It wasn’t intentional. I’ve had a family situation to deal with, car problems one after another, I’ve been trying to drum up more freelance writing work, and so many goats have died this Spring that I’ve probably buried more bodies than John Wayne Gacy.

The good news is that even with all this stress, and no time to exercise, my weight is staying right around 275-280. I’m not gaining, and that’s what’s important. Cutting out the pop was a huge factor. I only drink it these days when I eat out, which is not that often. I hardly ever buy it at home. I did splurge on a 12 pack of Faygo Red Pop recently, but that’s the first in a long time, and it lasted several days. In the old days, it would’ve been gone in two days max, if it had lasted that long.

There’s another new development that I’ll be writing about in the days ahead. I don’t want to give up my writing, but it’s not paying a whole lot right now, so I need some extra income. I don’t want to get a factory or office job, because I don’t want to be cooped up 8 hours a day, and I don’t want a full time commitment. So, for the money and the flexibility, I took a job in the belly of the beast. I’ll be delivering pizzas part time.

Which should be interesting.

I’m still right around 275.  I’ll be heading back to my house in a day or two, and I hope to keep up the momentum I’ve built up in the past few days.  I’m going to try to ride my bike for at least half an hour a day, and possibly walk half an hour a day with my Exerstriders, and lay off the sweet tea, substituting water instead.  I’m feeling really good about my progress, although I’d hoped it would be faster.  But almost 30 pounds since December 22 is nothing to sneeze at.  My weight has fluctuated for the past several years between 285 and 303, and now that I’m down to 275 I feel like I’ve broken through an important psychological and physiological barrier.  My next milestone will be to look down and see a weight below 270, even if only 269.9 pounds.  Also, since I’m not quite as big as I was, and exercise isn’t quite as uncomfortable, I’m going to try to work some things besides cardio in.  I’m sure you’ve all seen the informercials with Chuck Norris for the Total Gym.  My friend John has something like that, and I may start using it a little each day.  I also want to work on pushups and situps.  Not sure how many I can do of either, but it won’t be very many.

It seems like the furor has finally died down over the death of Anna Nicole Smith. I think it says a lot about our society, none of it good, that the death of a pathetic figure such as her could become such a national obsession. I’d never paid much attention to her, but I knew who she was–who didn’t? I think I’d seen one episode of the horrible train wreck that was her reality show, and I was appalled and embarrassed for her. And I know that she had ballooned up and was quite obese for several years, and had lost a bunch recently. And there’s no denying that she looked really good for the last couple years. But while she might have looked good, it’s obvious she wasn’t doing too well.  It’s just a sad, sad situation. For me, if there are any lessons in this, it’s that losing weight is not the cure all for a jacked up life. It’s necessary, and it’s a good place to start and focus on. But, like Anna Nicole Smith, many people who are severely overweight have other serious issues that need addressing also. It’s important to get in shape, but if we think that losing a bunch of weight is going to fix everything that’s wrong with us, we’re probably going to be severely disappointed.

Bipolar? Huh? Greg, I thought you said you liked girls?!

Nah, not all of me swings both ways. Just my brain. I don’t know if I really am bipolar, but I do know that I get very depressed, and I’ve been that way lately. I just go through phases where I can’t seem to care about anything. Everything is bleak and hopeless and any effort toward anything seems pointless and futile. I wind up neglecting things, letting things go, saying why bother? to everything. And that’s where I’ve been lately.

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300 pounds, that is. People tell me that I don’t look like I weigh 300 pounds. I guess it’s that my overpowering animal magnetism distracts and confuses them…but it’s true-in that pic below I’m at 296 pounds. And frankly, I’m sick of it. And I’m ready to do something about it.

If you’ve ever been fat, or you’re fat now, you know what I’m talking about. When you’re 120 pounds overweight you’re never comfortable. Walking, standing, sitting, lying down, reclining, it doesn’t matter. You’re never unaware of this massive extra weight that you’re lugging around. It’s always on your mind, and it affects everything you do. If you’re standing, you want to sit down to “take a load off”, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Then, once you’ve sat down, depending on how low the chair is, getting up can be so difficult that you’re sorry you ever sat down. I’ve got to change my ways before I wind up like the late stand up comedian Ollie Joe Prater-he was so fat that he reportedly brought an ottoman with him on his long road trips to comedy clubs across America. The purpose of the ottoman? Ollie Joe used it to hold his belly up anytime he was sitting down. Like many tremendously fat comedians, Ollie Joe had other issues, too.

But I digress.

It’s tough going up stairs. When I used to go to job interviews I prayed that, if I had to climb stairs, there would be a restroom I could duck into at the top of the stairs to catch my breath. There’s nothing that says “Hire me!” quite like a 300 lb man who smells of cigarette smoke gasping for air.

And I’ll never forget the time that my truck was in the shop due to a factory recall. While it was being worked on the dealer gave me a loaner-a Nissan Sentra. Getting into that thing was quite an ordeal, but it was nothing compared to trying to get out. I thought I was going to need the Jaws of Life.

But you wanna know the thing about being 120 pounds overweight that drives me the craziest?

Shoelaces.

It’s a real struggle to tie my shoes. If there’s an overweight person where you work that you don’t care for, and you want to torment them, don’t call them names or steal their cookies. Just reach over and untie their shoes. I can barely reach my shoelaces, but if I sit down and cross one leg over the other knee I can manage it. But there’s no way to to tie them properly like that. Instead of being centered, they hang way over to one side. Which means I’m always stepping on them. Which means they come untied, of course, and I have to tie them all over again. And then they get stretched out, which means they hang even more to the side, and I step on them even more. It got to where I was having to retie my shoes once every hour or so. So I finally gave up and as much as possible I now wear slipons or shoes with velcro closures. Which is a shame, because I really needed the exercise!

Yes, being way too fat is not only unhealthy, it’s also extremely uncomfortable. And I’m sick of it. We’ll see if I’m sick enough of it to stick with my 100 pound weight loss plan.

If you’re keeping score at home, I got 90 minutes of walking in today. Two sessions of 45 minutes apiece out, on the country roads near where I live. And no cigarettes.

Not a bad way to start the year!

175 pounds here I come!

Did you ever think that you might one day weigh 300 pounds?

Yeah, me neither.

But there it is. 303.5 to be exact.

Infreakincredible.

Can that 303 really be referring to me? The guy who wrestled at 167 pounds in high school? I weigh almost twice as much as I did in my senior year, and yet I haven’t grown an inch. I’m still six feet 0, just like my senior year. The same guy who also ran cross-country in high school? Me, running? I try to picture that now, and I can’t. Well, actually, I can see jogging from my car to the Krispy Kreme store if it was getting near closing time. I’m not totally against exercise!

Yes, as hard as it is to believe when you look at these pictures, I did weigh 167 pounds in high school, and I really did run cross-country. I never actually won any races, but I certainly finished most of them.

But wait. It gets better.

If you want to hear something really good, guess what I wanted to be when I grew up. And DON’T say “unspeakably gargantuan.”

Not funny.

Nor did I hope to be a stand-in for the Michelin man, a walking, talking Hindenburg tribute, or the world’s best loved Shelley Winters impersonator.

No, you’ll never believe what I wanted to do when I grew up.

I wanted to move to Europe and race in the Tour de France.

Yep, that’s me. Lance Bellystrong. Can you picture me in those tight bicycle racing shorts? Tour de France? More like Tore da Pants.

Well, I never got to wear the yellow jersey. But I have been privileged to spend a lot of quality time at the golden arches.

As you can see. You want morbid obesity with that?

But that’s all about to change.

That’s right.

No More Mr. Fat Guy!

I’ve decided to make like Fitty Cent-I’m gonna get fit or die tryin’. I intend to lose at least 100 pounds, and I’m going to document my battle against the bulge right here on the internet for all the world to see. Words, pictures, eating habits, exercise done, ups, downs, milestones achieved, failures and setbacks. When I lose a pound or two, you’ll read about it. When I wake up at 2AM and drive into town because I’ve got an irresistible urge for a Krystal BA burger (or three), you’ll read about it. I figure that with the whole world watching, I’ll have a lot more incentive to see my plan through and stick with my goal. I need you guys to hold my feet to the fire (while simultaneously keeping me away from the flame broiler at Burger King).

I’m counting on you guys. I can’t do this alone, and frankly, my fat friends aren’t going to be much help. They’re already trying to talk me out of this. When I suggest a nice salad instead of two Double Quarter Pounders they yell, “Stop the insanity!”

And they never tire of pointing out the dangers of being skinny, or the unfortunate things that can happen to normal size people. They point out that Nicole Brown Simpson was skinny, and look what happened to her. If she’d been a porker, OJ would’ve never looked twice at her, and she’d still be alive today. I can’t argue with that. They tell me that if Michael Richards had been home making love to a gallon of Cold Stone Creamery ice cream, instead of ranting on stage, he’d still have a career. I can’t argue with that, either. And Carrot Top isn’t fat…and the less said about him, the better.
So I’m aware that being thin and healthy isn’t the answer to all of life’s problems.

But even knowing the risks, I’m going to go for it. And you’ll read all about it right here. I’ll report everything. No holds barred. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And hopefully I’ll make you laugh along the way.

Have you ever seen someone lose 100 pounds? Well, now’s your chance. And you can help me. The more people reading this, the more pressure there will be to get fit. You guys are going to be my accountability partner. My 12 step group. I want your comments-cheer me on, razz me, but let me know you’re watching.

It’s going to be quite a journey. I don’t know how it will turn out, but we’re going to have some fun along the way.