No More Mr. Fat Guy!

The parents of an Indiana toddler are suing the makers of a food product. They claim the product made their kid sick. The name of the product?

Veggie Booty.

And they’re surprised you can get sick from it?

That’s the first time I’ve heard of this food. Up til now, I’d always thought Veggie Booty was a straight-to-DVD Jamie Foxx movie.

Normally, I avoid writing about politics on my blog. But I read something yesterday that made my blood boil, that made me so angry, that I believe the time has come for a radical revolt.

Yes, that’s right - it’s time to overthrow the government.

The long train of abuses has gone too far. The sufferable evils have become insufferable. We have no choice but to foment a new American revolution and start all over again.What pushed me over the edge and turned me into a fire breathing radical?

Was it illegal immigration?

Was it the war in Iraq?

No. It’s something far worse, far more tyrannical. A proposal by the federal government that attacks the very foundations of who we are as a people and threatens to destroy our entire way of life.

The feds are saying that the pollution problem is so bad in the Dallas-Fort Worth area that THEY MAY START BANNING DRIVE-THROUGH LANES.

The federal Environmental Protection Agency announced plans Thursday to significantly strengthen ozone regulations, saying the existing standard fails to protect the public from the damaging effects of the lung-scarring pollutant.

The proposed changes could mean drastic new restrictions on drivers, workers and industries in North Texas to curb ozone-forming pollution. Some already discussed here are banning drive-through windows during ozone season, limiting hours for motorists to gas up, restricting the use of off-road construction equipment, even banning afternoon Texas Rangers games.

See, I told ya. And you thought I was exaggerating. Not at all. If they can do it in DFW, they can do it where you live. Damn you Al Gore! Damn you to hell! This is all his fault. If he thinks America will sit back and let the feds get away with banning drive-through lanes, well, I think there’s probably a hole in his ozone layer. No, this will not stand. I have too much faith in the American people. They’ve got too much backbone (and backside) to put up with this.

During the first revolution, a popular motto was Don’t Tread On Me! We need something catchy like that to inspire people. I’ve thought of one, and I hope it’ll spread like wildfire: Don’t Make Me Have To Get Out Of My Car And Off My Fat Ass To Get My Triple Cheeseburger!

Yet another side effect of the obesity epidemic in America:  more and more boys and men are having breast reduction surgery.

Including a lot of “comedians”. Trouble is, almost everyone is convinced that he or she’s hilarious. Yesterday, someone from National Lampoon’s website left a link in my comments promoting a short video they made about two fat guys pigging out and (allegedly) cracking wise at a mall food court. Their motto is Live Fat, Die Young, and Leave a Large Looking Corpse. But there’s nothing funny about the video. It’s just two fat slobs pigging out. Me and Heath could’ve made a funnier video than that.

This is the same National Lampoon that gave us Vacation and Animal House? How sad. Of course, they haven’t done much since then - check out any of the other Vacation movies for proof, especially Vegas Vacation. And Vegas Vacation looks like Oscar material compared to what they’re putting out lately. But if you ever get a chance to pick up some issues of National Lampoon magazine from the early to mid 1970s, you’ll see what humor and comedy are all about. There’s never been anything like it since, and there never will be. National Lampoon died when Doug Kenney and Henry Beard and Michael O’Donoghue left the magazine back in the 70s. Movie comedy pretty much died when Kenney fell or jumped off that cliff so many years ago. And seeing what’s put out these days in the name of National Lampoon is just sad. Do me a favor, Phil Haney, and don’t leave any more links to your site in my comments. Thanks.

There’s also a contest going on at Project Breakout. They’re inviting people to submit funny homemade videos in order to “anoint the next comedy star”. Yeah, well, let me know how that works out for ya. Because after browsing some of the submissions, I’m not all that hopeful about the prospects of a new comedy star emerging from this fiasco, unless by “star” they mean “black hole”. One girl does a rap about Turbo Tax software. Ooh, somebody pinch me. There’s another one where a guy is pretending to host a TV show. He introduces his next guest, Meryl Streep. He then looks at Streep and discovers that’s it’s not her, but just some guy. He then begins screaming over and over. For a minute there, I almost thought I’d died and gone to comedy heaven.

Then you’ve got your pros, like Carlos Mencia. Of course, he’s not funny either, but he doesn’t have to be. He just steals everyone else’s material. He tries to deny it, but there’s no denying this blatant ripoff of Bill Cosby. And his real name isn’t Carlos Mencia, it’s Ned Holness. Now, that’s funny. Just watch the videos at that link.

I realize this post has nothing to do with losing 100 pounds. Whaddya gonna do - call the Better Weight Loss Bureau? Oh yeah? Well, be sure and tell ‘em Fatty sent ya. I might get a commission!

Why take diet pills when you can enjoy AYDS?

Anyone remember these commercials for the chocolate flavored appetite suppressant candy?

Only about a third of Americans eat at least two servings of fruits and three servings of vegetables a day.

And two thirds of Americans are overweight, obese, or morbidly obese.

Gosh, what a strange coincidence!

I told them and told them and told them. But would they listen? No. And so I put all the blame for me reaching 300 pounds squarely on their shoulders. It’s not my fault.

Thanks, Mom and Dad. Thanks a lot.

But it may not be too late to save the next generation. Some parents in Australia are finally starting to see the light.

Homework contributing to childhood obesity, parents say

The Tasmanian Parents and Friends Association believes homework could be contributing to childhood obesity.

The national president of the association wants homework banned in Tasmanian primary and high schools.

Parents and Friends chief Jenny Branch says as childhood obesity becomes a major problem, homework is forcing children to sit in front of computers instead of exercise.

She has questioned the need for after school study.

“When I started to research it, I couldn’t find any good evidence to say that homework at home improves the student learning,” she said.

See, Mom–I told ya!

Of course, as always, some meddling bureaucrat is doing all they can to stand in the way of enlightenment and progress.

The state secretary of the Education Union, Jean Walker, says it is a policy issue for individual schools, but she does not think a ban is the cure for obesity.

“Children seemed to be able to do both homework and not be obese, until this generation,” she said.

Darn egghead liberals. They don’t care about the kids, just about keeping their jobs.

HOW MANY CHEESEBURGERS HAVE GOT TO DIE BEFORE WE WAKE UP AND BAN HOMEWORK?

There’s a newly diagnosed condition called Dysphoric Social Attention Consumption Deficit Anxiety Disorder.  Luckily, there’s a drug to treat it called Havidol (avafynetyme HCI).  Ask your doctor about it.  Take the self assessment test, before it’s too late.

Quit eating low fat dairy foods:

A diet rich in ice cream and other high-fat dairy foods may lower the risk of one type of infertility, a study suggests. It sounds too good to be true and probably is, some doctors say.But the findings are bound to get attention because they are from the well-known Nurses Health Study at the Harvard School of Public Health and were published Wednesday in the European journal Human Reproduction.

Researchers found that women who ate two or more low-fat dairy products a day were nearly twice as likely to have trouble conceiving because of lack of ovulation than women who ate less than one serving of such foods a week.

Conversely, women who ate at least one fatty dairy food a day were 27 percent less likely to have this problem.

So go ahead and have that pint of Rocky Road. One day your kid will thank you. Heck, make it a quart, and one day your triplets may thank you!

Says so right here:

Fitness equals wealth for men

GOOD health pays off, literally, according to a new report showing the fittest Aussie blokes have the healthiest pay packets.

The nation’s first wage and health analysis has found that people in the best physical shape earn 20 per cent more than those in poorer condition.

Lead researcher Dr Lixin Cai, from the University of Melbourne, said the link between physical wellbeing and income was “incredibly strong”.

Well, that explains why I’m always broke.

Today I listened to the last of the Coast To Coast AM shows that I had on my mp3 player, so I downloaded some more. Each show is technically 4 hours, but for the downloads they cut out the top of the hour news broadcasts along with all the commercials, which means that each hour is only about 36 minutes. And I don’t download the first hour of the show, as it’s usually just George Noory discussing news stories. I have a 512mb mp3 player, and I can get 36 of these segments on it at one time, for a total of 12 shows. Anyway, I was looking at the recent shows to see which ones I want to download. I skip a lot of them, as they don’t interest me. Like the show from March 4:

Psychic Amelia Kinkade discussed her in-depth experiences communicating with animals. The ability to receive information from animals, she noted, is a learned skill rather than a gift. Kinkade said she is actually able to merge her consciousness with animals.

Big deal. I can do the same thing with pizzas.

Just sneeze on it. That oughta do the trick. At least according to the FDA, which has approved spraying lunch meat with viruses to kill bacteria:

Even for snoopy journalists, there is such a thing as learning more than you want to know. We’ve just had one of those unwanted learning experiences; perhaps you did too. It came over the weekend in a news story reporting that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved using viruses as food additives.

Specifically, the FDA approved a mixture of six viruses that food companies can spray on lunchmeat, hot dogs and sausages before packaging them.

The viruses are supposed to kill any Listeria monocytogenes bacteria that try to multiply on lunchmeats. Listeria causes an infection that seriously sickens 2,500 Americans annually, causing 500 deaths.

The spray-on viruses are called bacteriophages (Greek for ”bacteria-eater”). They don’t hurt humans or plants, and they normally live in our digestive tracts, the experts say. FDA approval also is to be sought for another kind of virus that would be used to keep E. coli bacteria from sickening people who eat ground beef.

It’s great to know that the spray-on viruses will save hundreds of lives and prevent untold suffering. We keep telling ourselves that this is a good thing.

But the mental picture of viruses chewing on bacteria that are growing on the lunchmeat we are chewing on is unappetizing, to tell the truth.

I’m not real crazy about the thought of genetically modified foods and pharma crops, or what some folks call Frankenfoods. I’m no expert, but it seems to me that when it comes to food, the closer to the way God made it the better. Now they’re talking about injecting safflower and barley with human genes:

Ask the people around you if they want experimental drugs and industrial chemicals in their food or beer — without their knowledge or consent. Chances are they’ll say no. Then tell them experiments that could make that happen are occurring right here in Washington state.

As you read this, a professor at Washington State University and a private Canadian company, SemBioSys, have applied for permits to turn two common food crops — barley and safflower — into virtual factories for synthetic drugs or chemicals.

On its Web site, SemBioSys declares its plan to inject safflower with human genes to produce experimental insulin and a drug for heart attacks and strokes. WSU confirms that it plans to grow barley, injected with human genes, to produce artificial proteins with pharmaceutical properties. Where these fields will be is secret; nearby farmers and residents won’t be notified.

Human genes in your beer? “Honey, is it me, or does this Michelob taste like Bob?”

Maybe they can use the genes of skinny people to make light beer.

To see what condition my condition was in. Well, it’s still huge. But its hugeness is decreasing a little at a time. And I’m still fighting the good fight–I just got back from a two hour walk. I simply cannot believe the great weather we’re having. When it’s 68 degrees at two o’clock, with a clear blue sky, how can I not go out and walk for a couple hours? Maybe Mother Nature wants me to lose 100 pounds? Or, if you’re a New Age type, maybe this beautiful weather is Gaia the Earth Goddess’s way of saying “either lose some weight or get off me, ya great fat oaf!!!”

For the record, I don’t believe God is a female. I mean, c’mon–if God were a woman, we’d all be lookin’ up her dress! And ya can’t have that–I see England, I see France, I see Ishtar’s underpants! And if God really is a woman, may she strike me down with PMS. Besides, she started it when she called me a great fat oaf.

Anyway, two hours of walking (thanks to George Noory for the company), and I’m feeling great. Check back again tomorrow to see if I stick with it. Or if I’m in bed with PMS.

This lady knows how I feel after I leave Golden Corral:

A 39-year-old Los Angeles area woman went to an emergency room with a stomach ache and ended up with a baby.

Hospital officials said April Barnum didn’t know she was pregnant when she came to an emergency room near her home this week, but gave birth to a full-term, 7-pound, 7-ounce boy by C-section.

The 420-pound woman said her size kept her and others from realizing she was carrying the baby.

I saw the other day that Shaquille O’Neal is going to have his own reality series to help overweight kids get in shape. That sounds like a great idea, and I’m sure the show will be a hit. If it ever gets off the ground, that is. Because I just read where Fahrenheit 911 director Michael Moore is demanding that ABC grant him equal time for an opposing viewpoint!

Yeah!

It was really nice today here in the Tennessee Valley. When I went out walking I wore shorts for the first time in weeks. I thought, hey, while I’m exercising, why not give the soccer moms and farm wives a thrill? I can’t help it–I’m a giver. It’s just the way I am.

Read the rest of this entry »

In case this whole losing 100 pounds thing doesn’t work out, I’ve got a back up plan. And it includes this office chair for people who weigh between 600-750 pounds.

That’s the claim of the new TurboSonic. That sounds right up my alley! I’m thinking about ordering one. I’m going to put it in my bedroom, right next to the pizza vending machine. Or maybe I should put it in the kitchen, next to the fridge?

Sweating off the pounds might be a thing of the past with a new machine that promises to shed pounds simply by standing on it.

“You can stand on this machine for 10 minutes and it’s equal to 45 minutes to 60 minutes of typical exercise,” said DeepTone instructor Jennifer Ament.

Ament said TurboSonic uses sound waves that produce frequencies to stimulate your cells. She said a person can burn up to 300 calories in 10 minutes, and that’s why people shouldn’t be on it for more than that.

“It’s equal to 60 minutes of exercise so you’d be just overdoing it,” said Ament.

“I lost 9 pounds, a pants size, which is very exciting and I noticed my face tightening,” said Kelly Walton.

In some places, if you’re covered by Blue Cross and Blue Shield insurance, you have to pass an IQ test before they’ll pay for your gastric bypass. I’m not kidding!

Since I started my website, I’ve gotten a lot of emails from people. And many of them want to know more about me-do I have any hobbies, do I ever think about anything besides food, did I use to work at the carnival ’cause they think I might be their daddy…that sort of thing.

And actually, I really am a pretty hip kind of guy. Or “rad”, as the kids say these days. As a matter of fact, I have lots of interests besides food. For example, I really dig music and movies. In fact, I sort of come from a show business family-I’ve got an uncle who repairs VCRs.

So I thought I’d just share a few of my favorites to give people a little bit of flava, or “flavor” as the kids say. So here goes-

Favorite Singer: Meat Loaf

Favorite Girl Group: The Spice Girls

Favorite Boy Band: The Meaty Cheesy Boys

Favorite Directors: Orson Welles, Alfred Hitchcock, Michael Moore

Favorite Actors: Jack Black, John Goodman, Tyne Daly, William Conrad, Wilford Brimley, Delta Burke, John Candy, George Wendt, Jason Alexander, Danny DeVito, Camryn Manheim, Chris Farley, Roseanne Barr, Dom DeLuise, Sebastian Cabot, Queen Latifah, Dan Blocker, the entire cast of The Facts of Life, Zero Mostel, Kirstie Alley, Jeff Garlin, James Gandolfini, Marlon Brando, Kevin Bacon.

Favorite Movies: Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Hot Dog!, Fried Green Tomatoes, American Pie, Hamburger Hill, My Dinner With Andre, The Apple Dumpling Gang, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, The Grapes of Wrath, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Mystic Pizza, Grease

So you can see I’m a pretty well rounded guy. Culturally as well as physically!

A lot of people, when they think of models, think that what we do isn’t really “work”. Well, I’m here to tell you that modeling is a lot harder than it looks. I had another grueling session today. But it was worth it. See for yourself. Here’s my weight:

And here’s the hard part. I had to hold the tape measure with both hands, while staying perfectly still, all while staring into the sun.

As you can see, by the end of that shoot, I was just praying for the strength to get through it. (And making a mental note to fire my wardrobe and makeup people.) Again, this may look easy, but you try standing there while the photographer’s clicking away and yelling “That’s it! Work it!”.

And work it I did. Here’s a closeup.

Yep, 55 inches around.

I may not be the slimmest model in the biz, but hey, at least I’m still working. Seen Cindy Crawford lately? Didn’t think so. How about Christie Brinkley? Nope. And Cheryl Tiegs? I think I might’ve seen her in a Depends commercial.

But I’m still out there.

And I’m down to 293 pounds.

Rock and roll!

Randy Salas of the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune wrote an article in Wednesday’s issue about people who are documenting their weight loss online, and he included me in the article. You can read it here. He wrote some really nice things about me. Thanks for the kind words, Randy!

Minnesota-the home of America’s finest humorist, Garrison Keillor. I’ve always loved his radio program. In fact, I’m thinking of one day starting a national chain of upscale toupee stores, and I’ve narrowed down the names I might choose to Follicle Barn, Just For Scalps, and A Prairie Dome Companion. (Garrison, if you’re reading this, contact me to discuss a possible endorsement deal!)

Anyway, I’m glad you’re all here. I once spent a month in Rochester, Minnesota, and I thought it was a lovely town. I’ve never been to the Twin Cities, but I grew up with a huge crush on Mary Richards.

And a few years ago I rented the movie Fargo, which was set in Minnesota. Frankly, I didn’t like the movie all that much. But Fargo kind of reminds me of Faygo, which I love, especially their famous Red Pop.

So a big welcome to all the folks from the land of Lake Wobegon from me here at Lake Bellybegone! And if you want to keep up with my progress, be sure and join my email list on the left.

I mean, besides Milwaukee’s Best? Speaking of which, have you ever in your life come across a more inappropriately named product? I’m surprised the city of Milwaukee hasn’t sued them for defamation of character. There’s a plant that should pack up and move to Mexico. Honestly, that’s got to be the worst beer in America. It’s almost as bad as Meister Brau ( I think it’s German for “rotgut”), which I think is no longer being brewed. And now they have Milwaukee’s Best Light. As opposed to the regular Milwaukee’s Best, which is the chunky kind.

But I digress.

What’s the worst non-alcoholic beverage you can drink? Hands down, it’s got to be soda pop. It has zero nutritional value, and it’s full of all sorts of things that aren’t good for you. Lots of sugar for one. And there’s all kinds of other stuff in there. I’ll be writing more about pop in the future, because it’s such a problem for me.

I think I’m addicted to it. I’ve been drinking around 6 cans a day for years. Well over a decade. And I have trouble believing I can ever quit it altogether. Me 100 pounds lighter? I can picture that. Me a non smoker? Yeah, I can see that, too. But me a person who never drinks Pepsi? That’s real hard for me to visualize. I absolutely love the stuff.

I had some yesterday. But there’s no more in the house, and I’ve made it this far today without one. And I really, really want one. I could cheat, and make some sweet tea, but that’s not much better. What’s keeping me hooked is the sugar, and sweet tea won’t help in the battle to overcome that.

So I’m going to try to tough it out. We’ll see how it goes.

If you hear about a Pepsi truck being hijacked in rural Tennessee you’ll know what happened.

By the way, if you’re looking for a supercharged energy drink, try this instead of soda pop.

Or I’d probably weigh twice what I do now. If you’re a pizza lover, like I am, check out this website devoted to New York City pizza shops. It’s like porn for fat guys. Instead of blocking visitors under the age of 18, you should have to click a button stating you’re under 200 pounds before you’re allowed into their site.

After I’ve lost my weight, and I’ve started eating healthier, I’m gonna have to head up to the Big Apple and sample some of these places.

I was in Chicago last year, and had my first Chicago style deep dish at Geno’s East. Frankly, after hearing for years about the glories of Chicago pizza, I wasn’t that impressed. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great, either.

The best pizza around here is Donato’s in Huntsville. Especially their Classic Trio, and I’ll be paying them a few Saturday visits, when I just eat whatever I want.